Hello all, welcome back to the blog. Last year, with the transfer rumour mill slowing down, I decided to create (obviously) fake news stories for a chuckle and to have some fun. Well, we’re doing a 2023 edition today, I hope you’ll enjoy it.
Arsenal obsessed with the number two, will rename Arsenal to “2 FC”
During the summer, Mikel Arteta and Stan Kroenke have reportedly becoming “obsessed with the number two”. Arsenal has been renamed to “2 FC” after a joint agreement by the pair. The entire squad will be given the number 2, and the pair have promised Arsenal fans to finish 2nd in every competition they compete in this season.
EA FC 24 released, Every single name wrong
EA FC 24 has been released, and in EA’s first football title not associated with FIFA, they have got the name of every single club, manager, and player wrong. Kylian Mbappé has been named Killyan Mgappe, Erling Haaland has been named Ferting Harland, and every single player’s middle name is Cheese. We understand that this isn’t a licensing issue, they have just got every single name wrong. “I knew I shouldn’t have let an American do the names”, said EA chairman Andrew Wilson when asked about the situation.
Florentino Perez discovers immortality in quest to sign Mbappe
Reports from Spain have emerged today that while trying to sign Kylian Mbappe, Real Madrid president Florentino Perez has discovered the secret to immortality. It is said that while he won’t share the secret to his family, he will share it with Kylian Mbappe.
Atalanta believe “Rasmus Hojlund is literally Jesus”, increase asking price to 500m
After seeing the price of Kylian Mbappe, Atalanta have increased their asking price for Rasmus Hojlund to 500 million euros, citing that “Hojlund is literally Jesus, and not the Gabriel one”. Man Utd are still confident on getting him for less than 50 million.
Rival fans demand Tottenham stripped of all their trophies since 2010 after owner arrested
After Tottenham owner Joe Lewis was arrested on Tuesday, rival fans demanded that Tottenham are stripped of all their trophies since 2010 for the scandal. The encompassing ambassador of the PLFC (Premier League Fans’ Club), Mark Goldbridge released in a statement that “The Organization of Premier League Fans demands that Tottenham Hotspur lose all their trophies since 2010, all Premier Leagues since 1962, and all of their Champions Leagues”. Goldbridge declined to comment on the statement publicly, saying that he only makes public appearances for big clubs.
Leo Messi scrambles to cover himself after Thor’s hammer didn’t come to him during celebration
Leo Messi denied during an interview that he tried to summon Thor’s Hammer during his celebration, and it was instead a “hold my beer” celebration. However, Bob and Jim’ Miami sources have said that Messi was in fact trying to summon the legendary weapon. However, Bob and Jim’s Thor sources have said that the weapon didn’t even budge due to Messi’s small stature.
Cristiano Ronaldo claims Al-Nassr is best team in the world after friendly draw to PSG’s D-Team
Cristiano Ronaldo has claimed that Al-Nassr is the best team in the World after they drew to PSG’s D-Team that featured Kylian Mbappe’s little brother, 5 16-year olds, and Neymar. The extraordinary interview claims that after the signing of Alex Telles, Man Utd’s backup Left Back, Al-Nassr is the favourite in any match vs Europe’s elite and PSG were lucky to escape with a draw.
That’s all for this edition, ladies and gentlemen. I had a lot of fun with this one, and I want to make another before the end of the window. I’m Jim James, until next time.