Jim’s Best Football Rumours – July 2022
By Jim James
With the news slow in recent times, Bob and I were thinking of doing something we have never done before – create fake news. Everything you see in this post are nonsensical headlines and short descriptions on news stories that are entertaining but bogus. Bob’s doing the NBA, I’m doing the world of Football/Soccer. Without further ado, let’s go!
Cristiano Ronaldo creates his own team, transfers himself there with own money
In a puzzling but for some, entirely predictable turn of events, Cristiano Ronaldo has founded his own team in the Portuguese 3rd division, FC CR7, and transferred himself to it for £30 million of his own money. The striker will pay himself £100,000 per week, and be the player-manager of the side while simultaneously being the Owner, Chairman, Attacking/Midfield/Defense/GK coach, and Head Scout.
The only club role not taken by him is Secretary, which will go to Cristiano Ronaldo Jr. On future signings he’s said “I will not be making any signings because I will win this league by myself.
Man City “promised Celtic, Sheriff, and Shamrock Rovers” in CL Group Stage
After a yearly “hospitality package” was sent to UEFA by Manchester City, they have already been promised by UEFA that they will get Celtic, Sheriff, and Shamrock Rovers in the Group Stage, reports David Ornstein.
This news has come as a major shock to City officials, who are fuming as they expected an easier draw. Pep has reportedly said “Life sometimes deals you a tough hand, you just have to get up and move forward. But we’re finished. Europa League here we come.”
Spurs trophy drought over as Oliver Skipp wins £5 from the lottery
Rejoice, Spurs fans! The 14-year trophy drought has come to an end as midfielder Oliver Skipp has won £5 from the Northeast Tottenham District Lottery. The club has rapidly added it and the ticket to their trophy cabinet and made it the front page of their site, as well as making it the banner on all social media accounts.
On the winning ticket, Spurs chief Antonio Conte has said “we are very proud of Oliver and this football club for doing such an incredible achievement”.
A 15-part Amazon documentary called “Oliver Skipp’s lottery ticket: All or Nothing” is expected to come out early-mid 2023.
Lionel Messi double doses on growth hormones, grows 10 inches
A towering 6’5” Lionel Messi was seen in Paris today after reports came out that the Argentine had double dosed on his growth hormone treatment.
On his new height he said “I guess I’ll be better at headers then”. Apparently, Messi has lost just a small amount of his previous dribbling ability, and is even better at passes, being able to see more options.
UEFA still isn’t planning to give him a drugs test.
Florentino Perez claims he is God, won’t leave Real until “50th Champions League”
In an interview on Friday, Florentino Perez has said that he is “God in human form” in an odd interview that is still not in his top 10 most media catching moments.
In the interview he made several bombastic claims, such as “I am God in human form”, “I am Real Madrid’s chosen one”, and “I won’t leave until this club has 50 Champions Leagues”.
He ended the instant classic interview with “A Por La 50”, instead of the “A Por La 15” most Madrid fans are going for.
Toronto FC Sign every Italian Player in world football
In a very long day for Fabrizio Romano and co, Toronto FC has signed every single Italian player in Professional Football. The club has also fired Bob Bradley and all coaches to hire Roberto Mancini and all of Italy’s backroom staff.
Toronto FC Chairman Bill Manning was asked about these deals “Am I satisfied? No. I plan to add Andrea Bargnani, Valentino Rossi, Yeman Crippa, and every Italian athlete to the team too.
2022 World Cup to have “Automated Stadiums”, says FIFA
A shock announcement by FIFA today has broken the news that the stadiums this fall in Qatar will be automated holograms.
“We are excited to report that all the stadiums in Qatar this year will be holograms that are run using a VAR building situated in Doha”, said Gianni Infantino on the matter. They will only be semi-automated however, as there will still be stairs and seats at the stadium.
Fans have expressed outrage at this idea claiming money is ruining this game, like they say for every other idea they have.
FC Barcelona sell 25% of Camp Nou to Real Madrid for £50m + Eden Hazard
In another financial lever, FC Barcelona have announced that they will sell 25% of the Camp Nou to Real Madrid for the next 60 years for £50 million and Eden Hazard.
“We are very happy to have struck a deal with such a rival as Real Madrid”, said Joan Laporta in an interview. “Hopefully this promotes good sportsmanship and fair play”.
“Haha Scammed” said Florentino Perez.
Richarlison retires after Twitter User calls him “finished”
On all his social media today, new Spurs signing Richarlison has announced his retirement from Professional Football after popular twitter user UTDTrey called him finished yesterday.
On the matter, the Brazilian said “This tweet from UTDTrey yesterday really has opened my eyes on my ability, and after a long night of self reflection and many hours on the phone with family members and teammates, I have decided that this is the best option to move forward in my life”.
There you have it, 9 Nonsensical rumours. Part 2 will be coming out soon as well, and until then, I’m Jim James, until next time.